Gas – Nature’s Way To Natural Gas Humor

We’ve all been there once or twice, or numerous if you are me, in our lives. We will be walking around, doing our shopping and minding our own business when it happens. The “when it happens” would be the pain. The kind of abdominal pain that signals to that over-stuffed mushy thing between our ears that a very real and humiliating experience is coming on and all the pinching, squeezing of cheeks while praying that you’ll never do another bad thing in your life again if you could only be spared this one last time prayer that you do will not stop, nor help your cause. You are about to fart. It will most likely be loud, obnoxious and extremely embarrassing, unless of course, it was performed under intentional causes. Then it will be considered humor to you and an act of war to them. Butt (pun intended), if it isn’t performed under intentional acts and if you have enough farting experience under your belt and believe me when I say it all starts there, you’ll be able to squeek off an S.B.D. also known to the fart professional as the Silent But Deadly. The type that is completely inaudible to the listening ears but deadly to those that bear the burden of its stench.

Intestinal gas, A.K.A. farting, has been around as long as man as been around. Women, have only started farting in the past couple hundred years or so they claim. Though the sickly sweet of innocence that violates our nostrils and strangles our air passages tells us differently. Different personalities will determine the type of fart that will offend those around and make the farter’s life more enjoyable to live. It is a very sad but very true fact that farting enriches the life of the participator in some manner. Whether it be the sudden deflation of the bloated gut or the plain fact that the home-made, not-so-aromatic scent just completed a universal violation of offense upon another unexpecting, innocent human being or beings. For plural terms, it is assumed you are in a well crowded area, party or hanging out at zoos. In either case, the one participating in the fart, I like to refer to them as the “farter”, has made his / her day that much brighter and will show this immediate sense of relief by displaying a grand smile and audiolizing loud sighs while a look of serenity blankets their face. The “fartee”, or the one(s) being assaulted, will immediately be known to you and others through sudden looks of disgust, name calling, gagging or violent waves of vomitting followed by sudden loss of consciousness. Not even the most skilled of trained emergency personel will be able to revive them. May the afterlife be all the more pleasant for them.

As stated earlier, the characteristic of the farter, does in-fact, have some bearing on the type of gassy orchestra you will witness, smell and hear. The brave offenders are the louder and more offensive types. They usually sound like a freight train coming at you at unbearable speeds or an automobile with a bad or no muffler. They are also the ones that will peform the “Trapped Down Under”, also known as the “Dutch Oven” on unwitting loved ones lying peacefully next to them. For those that don’t know what those are, it is having someone trap your head and a cloud of colon steam under the blanket with no way out and no fresh air coming in. It’s sick, cruel and 100% hilirious for those doing the trapping. I highly recommend having a case of salt snaps, a camera and a box of tranquilizer darts nearby when performing this deed for the following reasons.

  1. 1. Salt Snaps – These little babies will help your victim regain consciousness after passing out. Just snap them under the victims nose and they should awaken. Be warned, their tongue may have swelled during the attack and may need to be dislodged from the throat to allow air passage before attempting to bring them to a state of normal alertness. Drowsiness and signs of brain damage may be present in the newly awakened but there is no cause for alarm as this is normal for dutch oven victims.
  2. 2. Camera – Nothing more than a capturing device for evidence of attack. Best if camera is a video recorder. After applying the salt snaps to the victim’s nasal senses, immediately start recording. The “what happened and why does my face burn” look will be a family favorite that can be viewed at all occasions. Preferably major holidays and weddings.
  3. 3. Tranquilizer Darts – You will need these if the awakened dutch oven victim starts foaming at the mouth, spewing forth latin and turns their head in a complete circle. This can only mean that you royally angered them and they will seek a murder victim. The darts, if well placed into the victim’s body, should slow them down, if not put them into a safe slumber long enough to allow you ample time to run away and find shelter. It would be best to seek a professional animal control officer’s opinion on what types of tranquilizers would be best for royally angered dutch oven victims. It’s always best to be safe than sorry. Having to find out you picked an adrenaline booster instead of a sleeping agent the hard way means you are facing death or permanent scarring.

The quieter and more timid, will try to hide in a bathroom, closet or cover up the sound splits with a quick cough or clearing of the throat. You can usually spot them in the middle of a field or body of water away from all forms of life and sometimes covering their eyes because they have been taught that if they can’t see you, then you can’t see them. My personal favorites are the quieter but slighty more brave than the average timid participant. These are the types that will perform the quick cough, leg shift maneuver in a dark, crowded movie theatre where everyone is involved because everyone is being blamed for the intrusive butt bomb. In this scenerio, no one is safe and if you are the farter, it is always best just to remain focused on the screen, eat your popcorn and pretend it doesn’t exist. By looking around you will attract unneeded attention to yourself; possibly giving away that you are responsible for the vile, flesh eating smell of bodily decay and ending your pleasant evening at the movies. The exits to the right or left of the screen work wonders when trying to escape a mob of victimized movie goers.

The mischievous types who love an excellent sick prank, will always try to target those nearest to them. For example, a neighboring co-worker who leaves the sanctuary of their cubicle, may find themselves in a noxious cloud of intestinal spray upon coming back and having the whole episode caught on camera. Nothing better to cheer you up like ionized intestinal spray, laughter and being the “Please, no autographs, I’m just doing my part to bring joy to the world” star in an office fart sequel. They, being the sick pranksters they are, will also try to trick you into becoming a victim of a singing sphincter. Ever hear of the ole “Pull My Finger” trick? I bet you have. I know I have. I personally have been a victim of it. Something I am not proud of which ended up causing a permanent, negative psychological effect on me. I can no longer hear the sounds of balloons popping without crawling into the fetal position, crying uncontrollably and sucking my thumb. I don’t like to talk about it for obvious reasons. To remain fair and honest, I, myself, took that same knowledge that was forced upon me and passed it along to those I pre-selected to be my volunteer victims. Something that I do like to talk about because it makes me laugh and brings me sick pride and joy. My way of thinking was this: It was done to me so I can do it to others. For this, two wrongs do make a right and I’d rather be on the finger pulled end, not the one doing the finger pulling. Get my drift? I know you do because you’re thinking the same way. If you’re not, then you seriously need to reevaluate your position in life.

My advice to you would be this. If you encounter, see or even as much as think anyone is engaging in any of those mentioned acts above, make your safety and your life first priority and take the nearest fire exit. Do not use the elevators! You only risk running into the offender or a friend of a friend of an offender and being trapped in a box of ‘get-me-the-heck-out-of-here-I’m-losing-consciousness’ fumes. If you do take the elevators, you are taking your life into your hands and no insurance company will pay out the death benefit to those left behind due to the “death from intestinal gas, natural or unnatural, holy or unholy, friendly fire or enemy forced will void out the death benefit if such acts could have been avoided with direct knowledge.” exlusion. Don’t believe me? Read the fine print. I would explain this but I’m not a lawyer, please seek your agent or lawyer for legal advise.